2/10/2024
i understand now why we can't have each other
it is because we would eat each other up
until nothing was left
but is it so bad if i like your taste?
i am in that consume each other type of love
i wish we could have absorbed each other
i wanted to die in your hands
i wanted us to die together
but i understand why we can't have each other
and i will tell myself that my porridge is a feast
until i forget your taste
8/21/2024
when you left
my pillow still smelled like you
so i flipped it over
before i went to sleep
8/18/2024
for as long as i live
i shall never forget the way your heart beat so fast against my back
7/30/2024
i hate my body with so much detail
so much passion
that sometimes i have to ask myself
what my body did to deserve such animosity
7/10/2024
You can look at me until you satiate,
take in my waist, my thighs,
I know just how to move to make your eyes burn with sex,
You can shred my clothes apart for a closer look,
And you can put your hands on my body,
You can feel my curves through fabric, under it,
I know just what to do when you touch me in that way,
Know just where to expect your hands and what they might do
Hold me so hard I can’t breathe,
Grind your body into mine,
grab me, pinch me, use me,
But don’t lean in and share my breath
And don’t caress my hair too gently
Don’t look into my eyes,
Whatever you do don’t kiss me
Because I don’t know what to do with myself when time moves so slowly,
I don’t know what to think when you hold me so delicately,
When you cradle my face like that,
Like you’re afraid I might break, I think I might cry
I beg you,
Don’t let me think I am something to you, I am not
7/1/2024
Will I need to pick apart my brain
to look for a reason to hate you
I shall do what I must
Shred my skull
For the release of emotional detachment
To never be loved and never love anyone
Is true freedom
I don’t want our hearts to be linked anymore
Because it hurts when you pull me,
how will I catch myself when I fall if my hand is occupied by yours?
I wasn’t made for the flows and ebbs of connection,
I was made to be left behind by the tide and dry out in the sun,
Too weak to get anywhere meaningful, and transparently alone,
like a jellyfish burning up on scorching sand,
If you walk past me, dont feel sorry for me,
don’t try to rescue me,
I am here on my own accord,
Let me suffer alone
let our souls touch for another second,
if for just a minute we could be not alone in this universe
6/24/2024
the fairy lights hanging from my headboards are on,
otherwise you wouldn't be able to see the images you are scribbling on my skin with markers in various colors,
and the movie is paused,
otherwise you wouldn't be able to hear me tell you the things about myself i never knew i would utter to a single soul,
the things that i thought would make me incapable of being truly loved and truly known by the same person,
and in the dim light reflected on your face i see not a milisecond of judgement in your eyes,
not a single pause in the unwavering love and understanding in your voice
and i know that soon, we will be countries apart,
but you showed me that i could have something i never knew i could,
so thank you for all your love
6/21/2024
DONT LOVE TOO SOON
DONT SOIL YOUR SOUL DONT
RUIN
THE BODY THAT WAS NEVER YOURS
BELONGED FIRST TO GOD
THEN TO MAN
DONT FEEL TOO GOOD
this room feels to little still
perhaps a hundred wishes and a thousand sins were too much for four walls,
wrap your rosary around my neck
pull untill my prayers are finally heard
6/21/2024
I am starting to think that I would wait for the next eclipse
If there was just chance you would hold me in it
Starting to think I wouldn't even look at the rare phenomenon when it finally came,
But close my eyes to savour the feeling of your chest
Count your breaths
5/29/2024
I can feel your chest
brushing against my chest
taste your your sweat
smell your eyes on me
cupids bow
feeling you let go
5/9/2024
imagine a flower
not the most dainty, or pretty perhaps
but a flower nontheless
it never thrived the best in the dirt of which it was planed
but oh! One day a gardener had mercy and potted it,
and it stood in the pot,
for a bit
and oh! look! its blooming
new growth
and old leaves are being discarded,
it is being discussed now if perhaps oh this could be a dainty, even pretty flower,
perhaps it could even grow large and strong,
perhaps it could even exhude a pleasant scent,
how do you tell that flower that it is time to go back in the earth that it came from?
how do you know that it can trust its roots
it has afterall only been building them for a fraction of its lifetime
what is the flower without its pot?
5/9/2024
So you! say my girlfriends
Your style!
But how do you know
who i am
5/5/2024
This must all be very easy for you
if you can forget about me for that long at a time
and im sure you realize that we're not exactly equal in this
but do you know how often i check my phone
it doesnt even mater if i turn off my notifications
ill still check it
twize a minute my heart will drop
as the time between your attentions grows longer
and i can feel the little girl in me growing so attached to this thing that we created
but for you its physical, isnt it
?
please tell me
when you think of her
because i know that you do
you mention her
"my ex this, my ex that"
but when you do think of her
does it hurt still
does your heart squeeze still
is that what that song is about
what makes her more human than me
all this is not fair to you
because i know youre not really like that
but i am so bitter today
i want to live under your skin, and i want to push you so far away youll never be back
5/2/20204
What does it mean to grow up?
Is it staying on top of my laundry cycles?
Is it never being sure if i've made the right choice for my future?
Is it finally cracking the code to making myself pick up my shit
Is it somehow figuring out what i want to do with my life
How can i build a life when i never saw myself making it through my teenage years
is it
grieving
and crying for the little girl that i used to be
is it breaking open the jaw of the men that hurt me
mom
i dont think im ready to grow up
5-2-2024
could i put my thoughts down to paper
could i give myself a little relief?
could i rest in my body
and trust in my life
could i let go
for a moment
could i
leave this life behind
and come back
when i feel better
could i
be back
another day
but theres nowhere to go
4/28/2024
mom,
will you linger on the edge of my bed
just a little longer
and caress my fever drenched forehead,
mom,
can i sleep in dads bed tonight,
and get the comfort of your side
Mom
am i your child for a little longer?
have i grown up
3/31/2034
I know that guardian angels arent real,
but in a way i wish that they were
wouldn't it be so sweet,
to think that someone knew me like that?
Took an interest in my thought of the day,
An eye in the hollow of my collarbone
Following my life
An eye in the hollow of my heart
3/23/2024
am i a petal
on a flower that is slowly dying
then please let that rose experience every weather
the pain of harsh rain
the gentle breeze
the tender sun
am i ripped off the bud harshly, by an unending wind, i shall be content
and i shall thank the earth that i rot in
for the time it allowed me
2/22/2024
I feel so ashamed that many months later, I am still stuck in this feeling
I wish to know what I truly want to do
And I know that either way, I am bound to be content
Not necessarily happy,
But content
And I wonder, is this what adulthood is?
Contentness?
Am I blessed or cursed that my feelings seem to have dimmed down
Untill I see you next time,
2/6/2024
Yesterday,
i thanked the sun
the bird
the wind
but today,
i remember
that the pain is always waiting just around the corner
that health is a fight between my head and my heart
and that he will never want me like i want him
2/1/2024
WHOEVER GAVE ME THIS VESSEL
WHOEVER HANDED ME THIS BODY IN WHICH TO DWELL
HAS CURSED ME
BECAUSE IT IS BIG IN THE WRONG PLACES
AND SMALL IN THE WRONG PLACES
AND WHEN I LOOK AT IT I AM FILLED WITH DESPAIR
AND I LIE IN BED AT NIGHT CRYING
BECAUSE OF THIS PILE OF SKIN AND BONES I HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED
AND IF THERE IS A GOD
HE HAS CURSED ME
1/23/2024
Memorizing your face so that I can see you when I close my eyes